Tips Should Always Be Based On Ranch Dressing


This sounds stupid but i never leave a good tip based solely on the waiter/waitress nor do i leave 15% on every check. Ranch Dressing somehow determines whether i will or will not enjoy 70% of my meals at restaurants. When something is that important, and affects my whole dining experience of course it is correlated to end of meal tip. Firstly, and this one is number one, if i ask for “extra” ranch or “a lot” of ranch, please do not insult me and the ranch gods by giving me the tiny little standard amount of ranch you dole out.

So Rule 1: Extra ranch should be extra when compared to the normal amount.

Next, if i ask for ranch, bring it. I dont care how good of a waitress you think you are, just write things down. Like at fancy restaurants, they always forget to bring me ranch. They think they have impressed me by bringing my steak the way i wanted without writing it down. FALSE all i really care about is the ranch i need to dip my fries in. Don’t try to be cool, write down on your notepad that the dude at table 13 wants extra ranch.

Ok, if you are able to remember and bring me the proper amount, odds are you will get 15% but to go above and beyond please check on me throughout the meal to see if i need more. There are 2 types of good waitress, the first type recognizes my ranch lust and brings me a bowl of it at the beginning. This is nice. The second type brings me the standard amount every 10 minutes which is also agreeable to me. I hate the waitresses who bring me one ranch for my 5 chicken tenders and 21 fries and think that will be sufficient. Newsflash it will not.

I wont tip you bad if the ranch tastes bad, that’s not your fault, i just wont go back to the restaurant (that’s you apple bees).

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