ABC’s “The Splash” Would be More Interesting If Diving was into Pools of Ranch… With Sharks.

Posted in ranch dressing, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 20, 2013 by bestranch

One of the best parts about Ranch Dressing is that it adds flavor to otherwise dull or crappy food. Of course ranch is best when paired with good quality food but hey its a fact of life.

This is why i wonder why the makers of ABC’s The Splash didn’t think to add some ranch goodness to make their new show a bit more interesting. Currently the show features D-list celebrities jumping into a pool. WOW! I get more excitement letting my french fries dive into my little cups of ranch at restaurants.

I could only watch 15 minutes of the show while at the gym but all i could think about was how ranch dressing would have made the show better for both the contestants (taste reasons) and the viewers.

abc's the splash would only be better if contestants dove into pools of ranch dressing... filled with sharks

To really make it an A+ show comparable to a great show like ABC’s LOST producers should have added sharks. Yes sharks. Sharks swimming in ranch dressing terrorizing the poor d-list celebrities.

I suppose if you must watch The Splash you should go to the restaurant in your town that serves the best ranch dressing and watch it there. Or just go on Facebook….

Note: LOST did feature ranch dressing, proving that any show, no matter what the setting, can correctly incorporate ranch.


Ranch Dressing for the Win- Again, but this time with close seconds.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 28, 2012 by bestranch

Have you ever closed your eyes, deep in meditation and wondered where you could find the meaning of life? The answer of course is in the sauce.

Sauce makes the world go around, and that’s why there have been fewer ranch posts lately. I had to take a couple of months as a sabbatical to travel the world (Michigan, Florida, and Chicago) and check out all of Ranch’s tasty competitors. I will share my discoveries below.

Currie Aioli: I discovered this little gem at Graydon’s Crossing in Grand Rapids, MI. I was quite intrigued by this sauce when i saw it on the menu and even though it was not the suggested aioli for my food i ordered it anyways. I was blown away. It had the viscosity of mayo but the taste of Apu from the Quick E Mart and made me leave saying “thank you, come again”.

Gino’s East Ranch: If you have ever been to Chicago then you have most likely been to or heard of Gino’s East. They are known for their pizza but the real champ was….. THE RANCH! Of course any novice ranch-ite can vouch for the flavor match made in heaven that is pizza and ranch but the thin crust pizza at Gino’s mixed with their own blend of ranch makes for a gastronomical delight. Added Bonus: The ranch is so good, and has such a good consistency that it serves as a mouth lube to help you down a full pizza in one sitting.

Swirlberry Sauce: This is completely uncalled for and i know i will get crap for saying this but sometimes desert can actually beat certain ranch varieties. One such sauce can be found at frozen yogurt extraordinaire Swirlberry. Occasionally if you are lucky and go to the Swirlberry in Livonia, MI you can get so lucky as to enjoy the hazelnut chocolate sauce. It has little crunchy bits of deliciousness in it and makes frozen yogurt great. To make this one right in my mind i must add that this sauce would probably rock with bacon.

The Verdict: Although there are a plethora of sauces that occasionally out perform ranch none do so on a consistent basis and thus Ranch is the winner.

Best Ranch Dressing.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 28, 2012 by bestranch

Best Ranch Dressing.


Posted in Uncategorized on February 21, 2012 by bestranch


Ranch’s Sexy Cousin

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by bestranch

The past week has been difficult for me, i have been battling a tough issue. Really an ethical issue. Is it ok to steal bread if its to feed your family?? OK admittedly this decision was much more of a moral conundrum than something so simple as feeding your family (ps the answer to that conundrum is to have a pet monkey named Abu steal the bread for you…)

But back to the point, i struggled about posting something for you my followers. Specifically i was debating if it would be tolerable to blog about a sauce that is not ranch. I wasn’t going to until my friend Lauren suggested i do to honor Ranch’s sexy cousins… All of the other great mayonnaise based sauces.

I have always been a fan of the basics and the closest in relation, that sauce being garlic aioli. The other day i went to a fantastic restaurant- a mecca for sauces, The Electric Cheetah. It is a swanky little place in downtown Grand Rapids that serves its delicious fries with an assortment of 3-4 different mayonnaise sauces— or as i like to call them, “tasty makers”.

The 2 that really made an impression on me were pure bliss in my mouth. The first and in my opinion best was the spicy cousin of ranch- the red pepper aioli. Spicy, yet creamy and refreshing, it paired especially well with the sweet potato variety of fry, and the Oktoberfest beer.

The second and almost equally amazing sauce was some type of dill aioli. To be fair i was in such a drunk bliss of sauce heaven i didn’t catch the name of this delicious accoutrement but let it be known it had little green flakes of tastiness in it. If someone knows what it was please share.

Ok, thats it, if you are in the area and are a sauce fiend like myself i highly recommend the electric cheetah. Good food, good atmosphere and GREAT SAUCE. Plus as an added bonus my favorite brewery is a block away- Brewery Vivant.

Tips Should Always Be Based On Ranch Dressing

Posted in Uncategorized on August 22, 2011 by bestranch

This sounds stupid but i never leave a good tip based solely on the waiter/waitress nor do i leave 15% on every check. Ranch Dressing somehow determines whether i will or will not enjoy 70% of my meals at restaurants. When something is that important, and affects my whole dining experience of course it is correlated to end of meal tip. Firstly, and this one is number one, if i ask for “extra” ranch or “a lot” of ranch, please do not insult me and the ranch gods by giving me the tiny little standard amount of ranch you dole out.

So Rule 1: Extra ranch should be extra when compared to the normal amount.

Next, if i ask for ranch, bring it. I dont care how good of a waitress you think you are, just write things down. Like at fancy restaurants, they always forget to bring me ranch. They think they have impressed me by bringing my steak the way i wanted without writing it down. FALSE all i really care about is the ranch i need to dip my fries in. Don’t try to be cool, write down on your notepad that the dude at table 13 wants extra ranch.

Ok, if you are able to remember and bring me the proper amount, odds are you will get 15% but to go above and beyond please check on me throughout the meal to see if i need more. There are 2 types of good waitress, the first type recognizes my ranch lust and brings me a bowl of it at the beginning. This is nice. The second type brings me the standard amount every 10 minutes which is also agreeable to me. I hate the waitresses who bring me one ranch for my 5 chicken tenders and 21 fries and think that will be sufficient. Newsflash it will not.

I wont tip you bad if the ranch tastes bad, that’s not your fault, i just wont go back to the restaurant (that’s you apple bees).

How Useful is Your Food to Your Ranch?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 2, 2011 by bestranch

Basically there are 2 types of food.

Food that goes well with ranch dressing, and unfortunately(yes people are still producing these foods) things that do not go with ranch.

Now i will fully admit that there are foods i seldom mix with ranch:Cereal, orange juice, creme brule, tirimisu, and even ice cream.

Honestly they just dont go that well. However one thing that always steams my nuggets is when food that should go great with ranch fails to live up to its expectation. The prime example to this is the BAD FRENCH FRY.

ranch dressing goes with fries

Basically fast food style greasy thin cut fries are not really optimized for ranch. Well honestly they arent optimized for human consumption in general. But they usually especially suck for ranch. what a waste. I understand that some people may like this type of fry, but the thick dudes or waffle fries with a big cup of ranch is what its all about.That being said, places with this type of fry usually have crappy ranch (exceptions do exist) but if your too lazy to make good fries  your probably to lazy to care about your ranch. That my friends is what we call a correlation effect.

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